Porter shows up to dates on his fixie.

My hand found its way to his heart and stayed there all the way through second base.

Psst, Miley. This is how you trap a baby.

If I had one wish, it would be that everyone in the world could go to Peaches Christ Presents Showgirls.

Holy. Shit. I need to go to this!

Just so long as I can violently thrash and half drown myself.

There's a drag queen named Peaches Christ who throws a crazy screening of Showgirls every summer at the Castro Theatre in San Francisco. There are live scene parodies, a costume contest, and if you buy a large popcorn, you get a free drag queen lap dance. It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Will a hot tub be provided? If not I may get pissed and push someone down the stairs.

I want to come to this sooooo badly. I hope to see Doggy Chow served in a golden bowl and a drinking game where we SLAM IT every time her fake Italian accent starts to sound more like a fake southern accent, darlin'.

I'm so embarrassed to admit this. I didn't know what the fuss was about Showgirls. See, I had a tiny b&w TV and I watched it on television. The boobies were all hazed out, but it looked like everyone was were a bandeau bra, not pixel boobies. It was a long time before I realized that Corgi Showgirls and Real Showgirls…

Cookie Monster sums up my excitement:

Dropped the ball, eh?

Frankly, though, I dropped the ball, because this might be more appropriate:

Second time I had to use this today.

Dont forget unicorns!

Will there be yogurt? I'm not on board until there's yogurt.

Um... No thank you.

Nah, she looks WAY more like this muppet from The Dark Crystal...