A couple of comments:

Mr/Ms. Loser,

I'd want to see it in person first, but seems like a NP. 135 HP isn't much, but the car doesn't weigh much either, so I'm sure it's plenty quick. It'd make a sweet winter beater/rally car.

I'm not entirely certain of how many layers of sarcasm there are in this article, so my apologies if the joke went over my head.

I'm confused

I dislike jacked-up bro trucks that never get taken off road. How's this any different, other than being unique?

Problem: If anyone knows that you've left, all your stuff will be stolen by the time you're home.

Drum brakes

hahaha, that's awesome. I think it's based on interior volume.

Does it drive like a BMW should? Apart from the lack of real power, it does. The chassis is very good, it's nicely balanced, and don't forget that this is the only rear-wheel drive compact car on the market!

-Looks like a big improvement aesthetically.

Yep.

I've seen that sort of thing happen in person before.

What about a 5 door?

Fair enough, though the wikipedia definition seems to emphasize performance over number of doors and seats.

In your mind, what are the necessary criteria for something to be considered a sports car?

Note: I have never driven a Panamera, or any other Porsche. I have very little experience driving anything that anyone would call a sports car.

Will Jalopnik disown me if I say that I'd call the Panamera a sports car?

Note: I have been on one cruise. It was 3 nights on the Nile. There were maybe 40 people on the boat, crew included.