Blake Shelton has the mean, piggy eyes of a high school bully.

If I was married to a swimmer, I’d demand he be shirtless most of the time.

I cannot tell you how much I love the “there’s no investigation into WHY the man started beating on the woman.” Because she was probably such fucking bitch, as women are, that it was all her fault, and it’s just not FAIR to hold the man who violently beat her responsible for his own actions.

Even leaving aside the blind item this photo made me laugh out loud.

My husband and I were watching Jaws last night and it occurred to me that it was nice when everyone in a movie didn’t have to be beautiful. We figure if they made that movie today, Viggo Mortensen would play Quint.

Funny how the people who claim to hate drama are so often the ones starting it.

Not to be outdone (but still hopelessly cute):

My tortoiseshell has been giving me the stink-eye all morning ... “yeah, wait until you go to sleep. THEN we’ll see who can get up on the counter tops."

They come from a long tradition of brutal exploitation, so many people do not trust this new raison d’etre.

You need to watch the southern bridal shows to really appreciate the art of successfully paraphrasing, “that thing is ugly as fuck and I wouldn’t dress a dog in it.” into a socially acceptable statement that still allows you an out, but doesn’t cause the bride to dissolve into hysterical tears. Seriously, watching…

The look on Martha’s face when the family loves the dress she just dissed is priceless. She is trying SO hard to not sigh and roll her eyes.

NO DO NOT BONE WHILE BATHING. DO NOT BONE WHILE SUBMERGED IN WATER, ESPECIALLY NOT WATER THAT YOU HAVE BEEN USING TO WASH AWAY ANY AND ALL FILTH THAT IS ON YOUR BODY.

LOL i love her and her WASP shade forever

Yep. Fuck Beyonce’s bullshit act. Adele is the real deal.

we salute you

You know, it's really hard just being a shark without all these unrealistic expectations weighing down on me because of how sharks are portrayed in the media. Sometimes I can't deal. Hence, why I ate this dick who couldn't watch where he was swimming.

As long as she’s not throwing up to maintain her girlish shark figure.

Do you also get the most incredulous faces? Like WHOA I AM A MAN YOU SEE ME RIGHT?

In a similar but unrelated note, I now bump into men who walk right into my path instead of moving to the side as we pass on narrow sidewalks.

Post-wine texted this to the ex-husband who keeps contacting me