“No, I don’t believe the Rams offense existed,” Hayes said last month. “Not even a little bit. With these players, it’s crazy because man has never seen the Rams offense, we can agree on that, right? But they know exactly how to put an offense together? I believe there is more of a chance you will find a team in L.A.…

Wasn’t this an episode of “Friends?”

I know they haven’t asked for my legal help, but here are the top defenses these women should consider as the circumstances suggest:

What is this world coming to? You can’t even trust women you bring home from a club anymore? I long for the lost, better times when a drunk man could bring women home from a bar and his various bejeweled items or piles of cash were left unmolested.

“Fargo and the Leftovers” is a great band name just achin’ for a great band.

Yupppp. Nothing comes between rich white people and their rich white money.

I’m pretty sure Martin Shkreli isn’t allowed anywhere near the cool kids’ table either.

He’s been stealing from rich people. That’s a Serious Crime. (As opposed to stealing from anybody else, which is frowned upon because it takes time away from the judge’s golf game.)

He’ll prob be fined in the millions and forced to go through a sensitivity training course that’s 6-11 hours.

I think it’s the “grown-up” version of wanting to sit at the very furthest end of the cool kids’ table, hoping and praying that somehow somewhen someway it’ll rub off on you.

It is a rare and wonderful thing when G-Men get everybody just what they want for Christmas.

This really is the plot arc to so many Christmas movies. It’s like this guy’s heroes are Gordan Gecko and Ebenezar Scrooge. I hope he’s ready to be visited by the ghost of security futures.

Dude stole from older, richer, whiter guys. It’s like the only thing a guy in his position could do that will land him in serious shit. Allegedly.

Except now the feds are all up in his bizniz. Wonder what else they will find?

What do we (or Jez legal types) think the odds are of him actually serving time for this and/or losing significant assets? I don’t have tons of faith in the system right now (or ever).

Christmas came early! Remember friends, every time a Martin Shkreli is arrested an angel gets its wings...an AIDS patient gets their meds...overpriced musical memorabilia isn’t sold to a douchebag.

An asshole who refers to himself as “a great guy” while not having the guts to dump his gf before screwing someone else.