Hinkie has just acquired your grandparents for the top-50 protected rights to the Sixers’ 2023 2nd round pick.

So here’s something I don’t get—they had the ballboys’ phones, right? So wouldn’t the texts from Brady to the ballboys also be on those phones? Like, if you are trying to discover incriminating texts between Person A and Person B, and Person A gives you his phone, that’s enough. What am I missing here?

Ever priced braces?

There are many times when I regret the way that the viral effects of social media can turn the hordes of internet activists into a single hive mind dedicated to little more than destroying the life and career of someone who has offended them. This is not one of those times.

That’s not quite the argument. He was setting up a straw man of people who want to argue that baseball is sublime and an intellectual sport, and then using as his counterpoint the fact that baseball has many players—good ones, even—who come from a country with a shitty educational system.

I wrote that down in my notebook.

Yeah, when all your friends tell you how horrified they were when they looked up Jimmy Fallon’s finger injury, tell them about penis degloving. It makes that finger surgery look like a day spent sniffing roses.

My vasectomy was painless, but during the procedure the surgeon told me all of these awesome stories about his most gruesome dick surgeries. (I asked him to.) Best one was a meth addict who got high and then put on a cock ring and then fell asleep for 18 hours with an erection. Long story short, the resulting…

“[Child goes to the bathroom, returns.]

This seems like the NFL contract version of a pre-nup. Hard to go into a happy marriage that in theory should last forever if you’re already arguing over the terms of a hypothetical divorce.

I feel about this the way I feel about the final episode of “How I Met Your Mother.” Namely, that it didn’t happen, and that nothing in my life will be harmed by me ignoring it or simply pretending that it never happened.

Those clips are like the Zapruder films of free agency, if Zapruder was drunk and filming the JFK assassination from inside a trash can which itself was inside a dumpster, and it was night.

That Marc Spears tweet is strange, I know what he’s trying to say but the way it reads made it seem like the *source* is upset about leaving, and that the source wants DJ to reconsider LA’s offer.

So damn good.

Game. Set. Match.

“Even if you don’t know where you’re going, walk like you do.” This is what my dad taught me long ago about his military career, and I’ve found it applies pretty much everywhere.

It’s possible he was sent some advance word about Warby Parker’s spring 2016 collection. I mean, come on, bro, gray tinted clear frames? Really? In 2016? Pffft.

In my mind, it’s JK Simmons saying all these lines, which makes the whole scenario all the more delightful.

Seriously, stop being so fucking insufferable.

I also sand by Ted Cruz! Sounds kinky!