“Abe Lincoln didn’t have to run for re-election during the Civil War! Otherwise he may have lost! What would have happened then? Don’t take the risk now! No time for this election nonsense, we have a war to win!” — Trump, December 25, 2019

“Are you afraid he might lag behind the other kids?”

Water contains a significant amount of dihydrogen monoxide, a liquid found in dangerous acids and can cause extreme burns in gas form. One hundred percent of all fatalities aboard the Titanic were exposed to the substance.

Option #4 would be crashing as Air Force One runs out of fuel because the radioactive glass puddle that is now the United States hasn’t cooled enough to provide a firm landing surface.

In my many fever dreams of 2018 I envisioned Trump making the big call: “Because I will have accomplished more than any President in four years than most did in eight, I will not seek re-election.”

I dunno. Deep South, with 80+ weather (that’s temperature and humidity) watching a bullshit marathon from a 285-pound sack of grease and tanning solution? There’s always a chance you’ll be an eyewitness to history— the moment he strokes out right there at the podium.

Heck, the Secret Service was originally created (by Lincoln, of all people) as the law enforcement agency of the Treasury.

It’s an ANG F-16. If he dropped the tanks before punching out and the plane was left relying solely on internal fuel, the F-16 ran out of gas within a matter of seconds ;-).

Strange, that. The DIME warhead described in the article is essentially the glitter bomb from hell.

I ordered an Americano. The next guy in line behind then made his order, something to the tune of “triple soy cinnamon frappe with chocolate syrup layered at bottom with three whorls of whipped cream laid counterclockwise with the peak at the 10'clock position...”

Point of Order: Calling him a vexatious bellend would not constitute verbal abuse, because ‘abuse’ describes something misused or to an unreasonable excess. This was simply a case of verbal use because the statement is of actual fact.

Note to self: When changing seats while test driving my multi-million dollar ride, take the key out of the ignition as I get out. Hand the key to the prospective driver only when we’re seated again.

“Your Honor, I submit this photograph of our design office when the logo was first made. As you can tell from the old-timey attire and sepia tone of the picture, this was shot in 1909, which proves we came up with it over a hundred years ago!”

It’s interesting how the headline of “Donald Trump Declares War on Fox News” would read in a completely different way. It’s all about context.

They’ve kidnapped actors. Can’t get any lower than that.

Hang on— how would have their financial situation now have been any different had they won? You don’t get refunds on signs if you’re elected just as much if you lose.

Custom circuit from the coast road to the highway + Vulcan FE (now available this week in the Forzathon shop) = more than enough skill points from a 30 minute 6-lap race.

The thing is that if the lineup were level instead on a downslope he would have scraped the last truck.

“Build The Wall! With Our Dead! Build The Wall! With Their Bones!”

A lawmaker would have tackled this problem through regulation, but that’s a foul word in the Republican vocabulary.