We keep getting gifted with my parents’ neighbour’s maple syrup, which is always watery and burnt. I use it to make tofu bacon because, as far as my cooking goes, it’s the only context in which maple and smoke work together. And I just can’t waste maple syrup, no matter how bad it is.

I think you think you’re joking, but it was after the Bruins beat the Canucks in the 2011 Stanley Cup Finals.

Yeah, but that’s only over hockey. Nothing else gets them riled up enough.

What hockey games did these events take place after?

SOUL CRUSHING GAME SEVEN LOSS

As a Vermonter, I totally understand. I remember when my mom found out her sister used Aunt whateverracistnamewegaveit. She literally asked “WTF?” Vermont forced IHOP to provide “real” maple syrup as an option. We take that shit real.

Entrepreneurial spirit be damned - have you guys ever had BAD maple syrup? Like, low quality control maple syrup? No, you haven’t because these trade agencies exist. But as good as maple syrup can be, it can be very bad. Go to Canada and get some from a tiny producer who can’t be bothered to do things right or doesn’t…

You & Sally Draper!

It’s like the story about the brewery worker who drowned in a vat of beer. The grieving widow asks “Did he suffer long?” and the guy’s co-worker says “No, actually he got out twice to go to the bathroom.”

Laura Ingalls, is that you?

I love the RWF!

Judging.

Oh, we have sports riots down here, too. But that Vancouver shit was a whole other level.

Drool.

People get pretty irrationally attached to their special foods, especially when their national or provincial identity is wrapped in those foods. As a Canadian, I admit that I thought of our neighbors in Louisiana differently when I saw them put some kind of Aunt Jemima corn syrup nonsense on pancakes. A “what the fuck…

No, it me.

...........I use Mrs. Butterworth. *GASP*

I tree what you did there.

If you ever hear a story about a Canadian sneaking into the syrup reserve and drowning in a barrel after falling in while trying to shovel as much syrup in her face as possible - it was me.

I’m sure this mess will ultimately be pinned on some poor sap.