Wait, are you implying that he couldn’t understand me when I yelled “SWING YOU MARVELOUS FUCK, SWING” at him in Game 7 of the 2006 NLCS? Well that explains a lot.

My mom says I’m a catch.

Do you really hear Gus Johnson’s voice and not know that it is Gus Johnson?

You expect us to believe those are real names?

“holy shit, how can I sneak THAT many bananas into a game?”

Nice! So this means Princeton gets to advance to the Sweet Sixteen of the ‘98 tournament... right?

This was a really stupid place for the salmon to build their school.

I guess that CarFax gig isn’t as comfortable as I thought.

how is this guy not the worst!?!

I don’t even care if they play a shit team like the Sixers

I’ve tried this for years and it doesn’t seem to be going so well.

LeBron James: Okay, I’ll take one more question before Mozzy, Double-T, and I head off to the boys’ clubhouse.

This is Cleveland, Barry.

They’ll cut him at 3:59, this afternoon.

This is great, we have so much extra flexibility with the money we got back from Johnny’s bonus!

There are guys like this walking around, and fucking Rudy is the guy they make a movie out of.

That’s all well and good, but if I set my alarm for 20 minutes, I’ll lay there thinking about falling asleep for 20 minutes.

I played beer pong with Justin Tuck in college at ND as he lived down the hall from us. He hit every cup he threw at, but he wouldn’t throw randomly - he would (1) ask who was drinking on the opposing team, (2) if you were thirsty (always) and (3) which cup you’d prefer to drink. He then hit that cup every damn time.…

Hellmann’s/Best Foods mayo or GTFO

If you don’t penalize for reaching across the table, I’m taking Manute Bol as my beer pong partner. He’d just reach across and drop the balls into the cups. He would also probably have some great stories about not being alive anymore.