My excuse is that I’m drunk and can’t say no to the Doritos Locos Taco. I just ate 4 in preparation for reading this article. Also, as Colin mentioned, I might hate myself just a wee bit.

Maybe a Gunther in disguise?

A 12 or 13 year old kid pushed me into a soda display in a grocery store once (it hurt like a bitch), when he turned to run I close lined him. He fell into a nearby wall of firewood.

I guess what I was trying to say is that, at some point the person you knew disappears completely, and there’s nothing left to love because they’re not there. And I hate that.

Pennsylvania drivers (at least Pittsburgh ones) are batshit fucking insane. These people terrify me, and I grew up in DC.

The day when Internet commenters don't make fun of strangers is the day when earth has been scoured clean by nuclear winter.

That photo sure does appear to be the Taco Bell in Burbank. I’m a little sad I know that, but I’ve had enough Grocery Outlet wine that I don’t care, and will admit it to a (grey) national audience.

The way you know this didn’t happen in Florida is that nobody was also on fire, or later attacked by a swarm of feral purse dogs.

Meh. “Minnesota nice” is just the pie pushing Lutheran version of the “Bless your heart” Southern Baptist passive aggressiveness.

Do...do you seriously think that makes Florida sound normal?

I HAVE FINALLY KNOWN TRUE HAPPINESS.

My money is on ‘gym rat’, third-class.

meth. meth happened.

Maybe it’s Vince Vaughn?

You better start stalking me then. I lived through 4 fucking years of that godawful state, and I’m not about to temper my distaste for the place where I nearly died at least four times that I can name off the top of my head. Whether it be by heat exhaustion, too many guns in schools, or good ol’ fashioned bad drivers,…

These people were ticking time bombs. If not Taco Bell, it would have been Arby’s or a Waffle House.

It’s short for Bocephus Jones. Her parents were big Hank Williams, Jr. fans.

“BJ and Guns” sounds like an 80’s TV show title.

So, story time: I was actually once randomly assaulted on the subway for no goddamn reason. I was on my way home from work, wearing a hoodie and listening to music with my head down. I was interacting with and bothering absolutely no one. This group of middle school kids on their way home from school got on as I was…