The guests at a wedding were taking the food and centerpiece. So, you’re saying there was a wedding on my dad’s side and no one invited me? That’s rude.

I haven’t been to a funeral back in Wisconsin in a couple years but the last couple I went to were the kind where the wake or memorial service or whatever you call it was a big meal served up by church ladies. Depending on your tolerance for cafeteria fare, the food is generally nothing special... until you get to dess…

“Did you try taking it off and putting it on again?”

That’s ok, but only if they have to call milk “cow boob secretions”.

“As God as my witness, I thought turkey burgers could fry.”

He did commemorate it today:

welcome back

Wanna know how Opal really forms? Ask Pearl and Amethyst.

The first time I heard any music from Carmen was in the Gilligan’s Island episode when the musical producer (I want to say it was Phil Silvers?) ended up on the island, and they tried to convince him to rescue them by staging a musical version of Hamlet. Gilligan sang the “to be or not to be” soliloquy to the tune of…

“Dude, suckin’ at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.” ― Jake the Dog

“Break the pasta in half”...that is horrifying. You NEVER break long pasta up, it becomes impossible to eat unless you just shovel it in with all sorts of dangling mess dirtying your face. Long pasta is meant to be twirled around the fork, making a tidy package that collects just the right amount of (proper…

I definitely saw “Mathnet” on Square One years before I ever saw Dragnet.

See also:
Florida: Hold my beer.

Wait till he finds out that the guy fucked his mom too.

We were on a jailbreak!

Oh geez, this is like the John Mulaney bit.

BUY A DEER AND RIDE IT AS A SHOW OF DOMINANCE TO OTHER DEER