"Least funny Ghostbuster fatter than ever. Spreads lies about my record-breaking fantastic inauguration. Sad!"

Is that REALLY necessary?

I thought the cold open was a bit lacking, but that's about it.

I do the same thing :)

Melissa McCarthy was a real treat. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard at SNL.

That seems high.

He's Donny Don't from Don't Do What Donny Don't Does.

White people ARE "immigrants and their spawn".

And orgies!

Or we could just not. The original movie was already great.

Gawd, this is such horseshit.

So sorry to hear about your cat. If it helps: you were the best thing to happen to her.

This sounds like what my mom had but refused to go to a hospital for until it was almost too late. She made it through. Your dad is lucky he has you looking after him. Wishing you all the best.

It's fine as long as you don't "accidentally" punch him in the nose every time you have sex in the future.

For a quick hit of inspiration, read (or re-read) The Great Escape. A true account of the wonderfully resourceful POWs efforts to make Germans lives as difficult as possible (seems familiar) and the mutual respect between enemies (ok maybe not). And useful tips for when we are sorted into our respective prison camps.

… two years ago?

Who doesn't need a food processor? I'm sure it would be much appreciated.

August 2014 was when I last went on a date. But enough about me.

Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by incompetence. (But don't rule out malice.)

And stuffed animals don't have cold feet!