I heard what is probably an urban legend that celery is negative calories because your body expends more energy digesting its fibers than the vegetable deposits into your body.

FOUND IT!

Gonna be honest, I would be very disappointed in my child if they fell for this shit.

Not to mention the marketing involved to convince adults that ranch dressing was healthy in the first place. Vegetables are naturally low-calorie, while the dressing just turns it into a calorie-filled junk food like nearly everything else.

Honestly I feel that way about store bought dressings in general. Those things are full of crap. It’s cheaper and tastier to make your own and keep it in the fridge. 

They are still available from Kraft Canada! And my mother still likes Catalina!

Russian dressing still exists because of Reuben sandwiches. All those other ones remind me of a salad bar at Hamburger Hamlet, which is essentially the same thing as “old people.” Also, they’re gross.

Oh, I don’t feel so good just reading about that. 

While we’re on the subject, could we talk about ‘Catalina’ and ‘French’ and ‘Russian’ dressing? In the general sense of ‘why do they still exist’? Is it because of old people? 

THE HAND!!!!

but what about carrot cake? 

Ha! This is such, such a bad Photoshop job. The girl looks sickly pale, her hand is so obviously an adult’s, and that tiny little piece of lettuce... it looks like something you’d see on Weekend Update.

There’s not enough therapy in the world to overcome such a trauma. You probably need the full electrobotomy.

Unless these kids have never been to a birthday party or had Valentine cupcakes at school, they know what frosting is. One glance at this abomination, let alone one taste, will only confirm that their parents are either idiots or liars, and render the offspring uncontrollable from that moment on.

I call soup a liquid sandwich.

If I could find a video of that scene in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days where Matthew McConaughey shouts out of a window, “women of New York, frost yourselves!” and a woman on the street shouting back to him “frost this!,” this is where I’d post it.

It’s probably just a good rule of thumb to never eat a “food” labeled in quotes.

Is it sweet? because if it’s not sweet like real frosting, you are going to be in for some trouble and quite possible could scar a child for life with this shit.

Marketing Exec: “I know, let’s use the name of an unhealthy snack to trick kids into eating something healthy, like... ranch dressing. That will be good and work.”

I thought ranch dressing itself was what was supposed to entice kids (and adults, frankly) to eat raw vegetables. I didn’t know you apparently need to entice kids to eat ranch dressing...this just kind of seems like a marketing gimmick.