I apologize on part B, but on part A, I’m sorry but it’s hard to make someone who is clearly 16-17 look convincing like someone who is just hitting puberty.

Pirates pitcher Mark Melancon told the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review that the helmet felt just fine, but admitted he was hesitant to wear it because it “looks funny.”

Brass tax? I didn’t know there was a tax on metal alloys.

K.I.T.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clowns are not people!

He was working up to attendance by sleeping in ditches. Push yourself a little every day.

What did they arrest him for? Walking while clown?

Don’t forget about the statistical likelihood that you wear jorts.

Put another L in the column.

Shut the fuck up, moron.

Um, maybe she was distracted because she lost her father on Friday?

I would like to take a moment to pay tribute to my father, Marine Corp Colonel Samuel Tillett for his courageous and near fatal actions, attempting to save as many lives as possible 15 years ago today in his position as head of security at The Pentagon. When the plane hit my father was not but a hundred feet from the…

Kosher Italian is the name of my next rock band.

“What does “America is the ark of Noah” even mean?” Nothing good. Nothing worth anything at all. Just evil shit, through and through.

Oh — Emirjeta Xhelili? Of the Mayflower Xhelilis?

To which Aikman replied: “Will you shut up and come back to bed?”

So true. Deadspin quality has really dropped, maybe it’s just the recency bias of coming off labor day weekend.