For almost a year, around 2014, my (now former) father-in-law would buy his Diet Coke in those fridge packs and a Chick Tract would be in the package, every single time.

I remember in my sophomore year of high school, I found one of his comics on the ground. I was showing it to everyone and cracking up at the absurdity. I showed it to one of the girls in my rock band class, saying “can you believe this shit?” and she said to me with a solemn face “This is mine. I’ve been looking for…

All their antagonism, obstructionism, and galling disrespect for the presidency, their jobs, and voters is costing them now that Obama is a popular senior who gives no fucks, their party has imploded, and women voters have had enough of this shit.

I’m reminded of how vaccines are a victim of their own success. We’ve gone so long without polio and measles epidemics because of vaccines, so people get deluded into thinking vaccines are unnecessary. People likewise forget that women still die in childbirth in the 21st century, and that illegal abortions are even…

I’ll start worrying about Obama’s accountability, when the GOP starts worrying about all the times they stopped him from fixing stuff.

I can’t blame a fireman for not putting out a fire when the town wouldn’t buy him a firetruck. Which is basically the only explanatory analogy anyone needs for Benghazi, but for some…

And if you have an inconvenient scheduling conflict for the date of the birth, you just murder the baby and then traipse on over to your hair appointment. You can always make another one using welfare and Satan in Obama’s America!

Seriously can’t believe they just ripped my baby out of my womb, stitched it back up, and handed him to me. If I had any respect I would have just died in childbirth like god and Pat Robertson intended.

And relevant work experience. How can someone who has never worked in politics be a PRESIDENTIAL candidate?

Don’t you know? Exactly 24 hours before being born, the baby sends you certified mail informing you it’s about to arrive. And it’s helpful because experts know that this is the best time to perform abortions.

Is there literally any more egregious example of “waving the bloody shirt” than claiming your opponent literally supports murdering healthy babies?

If abortion were actually the horror show that the Christian right pretend (actually believe?) it is, I would probably be against it, too. But I guess saying things like “I’m against surgical procedures that save women’s lives” doesn’t go down as well as imaginative and colorful depictions of late term abortions do.

FATALITY!

He’s old enough to have repeatedly lied about having fought in the Korean War, and seeing extensive combat and being wounded in action.

Well, that explains many things but also brings up many other questions. Like if mom, nannies and boarding school teachers raised them, why are they so loyal to dad?

Pretty sure it’s just powdered male tears. Everybody calm down.

Is it Trump’s cocaine? Did anyone see a rancid persimmon wobbling away in a hurry?

But I’ve been assured that not only is racism dead, but blacks are the real racists! Something something Why is there no White History Month/White Entertainment Television? Something something stand for the anthem something something Obama hates white people something something.

Unlike today where you need to have a reason to shoot a black man, like he had skittles, or was a demon, or looked at you funny. You know, perfectly valid reasons...

If only the sign had a gun, it could have defended itself!

Oh wait, it’s a black sign... if only the sign had a gun it could have been shot by the cops.

He flies under the radar because he looks like a racist ghost who died during plastic surgery.