So now he's claiming farm subsidies, the Army and Sesame Street too? What an asshole.

I thought you said crossing the streams was bad?

You know, Alec Baldwin could play him too if you painted him a pale white instead of orange.

Maybe. I'm 6'4", slightly overweight, greying AND balding and not a woman. Does it sounds familiar? (For the record, my wife does work out, but "Mr Deltoid" sounds a little more forward than her standard persona.)

It helps justify a larger budget and it moves a project higher on the priority list when there are more recognizable names on it. Or vanity. Or both.

I'll take High School Musical IV for $400 Alex!

Do they play sweaty volleyball after work?

When the Coen brothers remade it they printed their first draft in Comic Sans just to throw everyone off.

Even if you're not beautiful, even if you're not tall, with enough money for shoes you can make ugly dwarves love you.

Oh no, it's not like that. There were children so it's OK. Creepy, creepy children that want their dying mom to be sexy for Jesus.

Paris starts with, what, a P?

We can argue about the specifics, but the larger story is how quickly he inserted himself into the race. It took years for guys like Buchanan or Bush to achieve this level of incompetence and/or malice.

Funny thing is, neither Paris or Ivanka, er Pittsburgh, want anything to do with his coal-fired rose.

Breathe into the paper bag. Count to ten. Would a / sarc help? Should I call the nurse?

Any news is good news as long as they spell your name right, as in "Kathy Griffin was just cancelled."

ANNYNG

She's Andy Griffith's daughter right? From Mayberry? That experience counts, get her a hat and some keys.

He's got this Unibomber project he's been working on for about 15 years. It's going to be really funny.

He wasn't trying to kill him, he only shot at him. It was more of a metaphor, or possibly a message. You can't take it seriously because art. Griffin, on the other hand, is totally not a Republican so off with her head (metaphorically.)

Well there you go. Once you stop thinking this all gets much simpler.