It's cheating when your UFO researcher creds are largely based on being from another world. It's like they don't even have to try.

Why isn't the award title on the card with the winner? You know, "Best Picture - Moonlight" just to keep things clear. Then old Warren sees the wrong title and waves in the headsets to clear things up.

SAG already had a Glen Close and a Glenn Close.

It's a *state* park. The national parks are to be sold off to the lowest bidders.

You hate La La Land, you monster.

"That's the one good thing about having Donald Trump in office: you know there will not be any actual sex in the White House. Not from interns, and not from the First Lady of NYC. If Monica Lewinsky was working there today she would not be flirting with the President, and even if she did it would only end in grabbing…

To address that very concern, this year they started giving two awards per category.

Those are the GPS coords of a lot of storm chasers' trucks. They drove to those spots in western Oklahoma to spell that out.

Didn't Joan Rivers die in 2014? I kind of figured that would be the best reason to leave her out of the montage.

Or if Trump drops his pants on live TV in the next couple weeks.

The Tony's do live pretty well, maybe they should hire the theater kids.

Protip: They aren't really geniuses, it's just a fake title they all get. Real geniuses have bad hair cuts and do math and are schizophrenic.

Overheating is not the same as fire. If you have the deep pockets you should engineer to avoid lawsuits. It is about the only thing protecting the American consumer.

I prefer artisanal octothorpes from Lancaster County. No one else can really create the historical feel of pre-hashtag punctuation.

*puff* - *puff*puff* - *puff* - *puff* - *puff*puff* - *puff*puff**puff*puff*

I saw The Hurt Locker. This is bad.

— ChrisD (passive-aggressively)

Who does that? He's not my Chef.

Not so fast…

Consider them an alternative to lies.