hahahha omg this is the best. YOU THREW UP IN A BOWL OF POOP.

This story would not be the same without the Eeyore detail. You know things are shit when goddam Eeyore is having a better day than you.

Ohhh my gosh, a couple of HOURS?! 40 MINUTES? oh my god, no. No no no. I mean, granted, I have IBS so it’s a bit worse, but man, if the urge hits me bad it’s like... five minutes. MAYBE ten.

I enjoyed your story very much. Also, I googled Lance Gross and...hot damn.

I made the horrible mistake of attempting gummy vitamins, and boy, oh boy did I pay the price. They made me so gassy. I was at work, on my period, and trying to (quietly) fart my way to freedom on a beautiful summer Friday while at work. Suddenly, I get the “I don’t think this is farts anymore” feeling.

I have THE BEST BATHTUB in the world. It’s an antique iron, claw foot tub. When you fill it up with hot, hot water, the whole thing just radiates perfection. That bathtub is my refuge. That bathtub is my Fortress of Solitude. That bathtub makes awful days into cathartic tub cries.

My pittie gets car sick, and once we took her out to the woods on the last day visiting Mr Parade’s family, drove back to NYC, and as soon as we got stuck in traffic she stuck her head in the cupholder and puked up a bunch of deer shit.

Me and the ex hit this awesome little place in Mission Beach, CA called the Wavehouse a few years ago. We were apparently super excited to get there because we didn’t eat before we left the house. We got to the place around 11am and we were starving. We hit the bar and ordered food and, of course, drinks. Some white…

Alright, I’ve never posted anything on Jez but I can’t resist this one-

I think I’ve got the creme de la creme. When I was 12, my family took a trip to Disneyworld. The first day there we did the usual rides, food, etc. (Tower of Terror is the shit!!!!). While waiting in line for The Great Movie Ride I started getting a little groin pain. At first I thought I just really needed to pee.…

Wait, so let me get this right:

Fat jokes: the last vestige of people who truly have nothing intelligent to say.

I really loved how gracious he was. One of his first responses was to tell her it was okay. :) That’s the kind of silly mistake anyone can do and I’m glad he was so nice about it right away.

Drew Carey handled that SUPER well, and she was so embarrassed. Poor girl. I really hope she doesn’t get in trouble.
I did laugh, though, because sometimes I’m a little awful. :\

I turn around and put them in the fucking trash.

I work in education, specifically special education, so this isn’t usually an issue at my school site, though I have seen instances where, say, a male psychologist on the team insists that he is the only person who makes eligibility decisions, when in fact those are team decisions.

i highly recommend trying the UD stuff, highly — they have sample sizes, too!

I'm resharing my recipe for Garlic/parmesan tossed pretzel bites because I am thinking about starting a baking/food blog and I would like some more feedback from you helpful ladies and gents.

Do darker grey or black (or maybe deep purple?) accessories to accentuate the "greyness". Like a dark grey bolero or cardigan? Keep the accessories dark so it will be clear its a grey dress and not off white :-)

I dunno matt, let me promote this and we'll put it up to a vote. On jezebel.com.