You could use DNA from Reagan's corpse to really queer the results for that girl who had Salvador Dali's corpse exhumed.

Clear Channel won't program songs like that.

Well, first you gotta find a two-inch thick board or two one inch thick ones. Then you gotta hammer those 9 nails into the board / boards. That way, you no longer have to hold so many inch-long nails and your hands are free to grab a wad of toilet paper.

"I can see! I can see!"

How many Kanye West albums on this list?

Riiight. Because male fandom is toxic.

Of course you did. Like 3 hours ago.

Well done. I thought about taking a whack at this myself, but then I decided…

Read those first four words again. Then, please reconsider.

Those fucking people!

If Trump keeps invoking Barron in his tweets, I'm not going to hold myself to any "hands-off" rule regarding the little twerp.

What did the sun ever do to you, Dik?

Kylie Jennner lacks creativity. Got it.

You can tell them apart?

You beat me by 34 minutes, but I'm the first to say "Jinx," so you owe me a so…duh, what's the point anymore?

And you sound like your tongue is broken.

So, it's Coke Zero with Sugar? That seems counter-intuitive.

*pronounced "bluddy"*

Thought it was the milk so she put it in the pie.

Signs at a rock show = Cell phones in a movie theater
I didn't pay $200 bucks to look at the back of cardboard.