“Hey, does anyone else smell shitty bourbon?”

“...when it progresses to people drinking the scotch trickling out of a butthole and being hospitalized.”

C is for psychos.

He got mad at me for ordering milk with seafood ‘cause he said it would make me sick.

Put a little English on it?

“I’m gonna call you MAN. Hello there, MAN.” Then he started laughing.

he’s a kevin smith fan, so that wasn’t going to happen

Thoughts and prayers.

Then there’s his pop, Generalbeef, who just bitches about fucking everything.

Little Tommy Fifer doesn’t know the difference between objective and subjective. Holy fuck. I don’t know who is failing here: the writer or our education system.

For years, my office in downtown DC was a block from the FOTF headquarters building. I spit on the door handle every morning on my way to work. Because fuck those people. I hope my saliva on their palms gave them the gay (because that’s how I got it, right?)

“Pardon my wide stance.”

Is that... Is that a young Dr. Strange?

We’re talking about Baltimore. Few people here know who their dad even is.

Listen, Susan, we’ve been over this. Dave knows what he’s doing.

Um, excuse me, we also have that fancy Domino sugar company sign.

I often pull out with 1 second left on the clock.

Thank you for this. It’s exactly what I thought when I read it... in Sean Connery’s voice, of course.

My wife and I realized at dinner last night that we both heard a lot of “elbows off the table” as kids, but have yet to say that to our 6- and 4-year-olds, b/c really, who cares. Are we doing a shitty job as parents (probably), or do manners just get progressively worse across generations?

What is the best shape for a dinner plate?