Can I watch?

It’s true. I coached little league for one season when I was 19. I insist, now more than 2 decades later, that everyone still call me coach.

I once saw the drip doctor. He gave me a shot of penicillin and said to use condoms.

I still get all of these things the old-fashioned way: by swallowing a little Fred Flintstone.

Married for a dozen years, here’s our current sex schedule:

So is Jeffrey

.

You probably don’t here this as much as you should (few dads do), but that’s some excellent parenting. Good jorb.

If you have tissues in the car, you can drool that blob into one, carefully put the tissue into the cup holder, and then dispose of it once you arrive. 

Have a Snickers

My wife woke up once with her hand in a puddle of chubby hubby once. It wasn’t ice cream.

I feel like there should now be an @TerryFranconaMidnightAdventures twitter account.

back and to the left?

My local grocery store - Giant in Wheaton MD - has these Star Trek phasers that you scan with before going to the self checkout. Scan and bag while you shop. EVERYONE NEEDS THESE.

The fridge would be way down on the list because the most shameful thing you can do in front of the fridge is overeat...

I’ll tell you what it sounds like: womp womp

Your uneducated ass is not more informed than doctors just because you have Google.

“I put my kids at risk,” she said in an interview that aired on Good Morning America on Monday. “I should have taken more time to research both sides.”

I'll give you a solid 4