I bet they all have terribly patchy beards.

Damn. I totally read that in her voice. Well done

We decided the best route to put poo into a water balloon was to initially shit into a plastic bag, cut off the bottom corner and squeeze it into the water balloon.

So 1.5 points then?

Maybe these cops could be reassigned to work the parking lots at The Ralph.

Worst punt by a cunt ever

I... Uh... Ummm... Ok

Related:

Diarrhea Enthusiasts was the name of my college alt rock band. We were pretty shitty.

Fashion Institute of Des Moines?

Come on, Dave, no link to this classic from last year?

But we just don’t know that. They can’t even attempt to put a likelihood on the chance that the gorilla would harm the child. The best they could say is “it’s greater than zero.” Well, fuck me, that’s meaningful. Sure they have to weigh the risks; but they did a piss poor job of that and opted for the quick solution.…

... if only it was a backfire and not a gunshot that rang out that day...

I agree. Some of these tweets are downright Deadspin-worthy in their hilarity. Others are more jezebelish.

I remember him bitching about the lack of security once.

You know who loved boaty mcboatface jokes?

Next up: Houston Texans.

Places not good to fart:

What? These are all precious.