I was an altar boy once.

This is not surprising.

I was promised a waggling dick and all I got was nine inches of words.

Did not read. That graphic at the top was all I needed. (Take that in any way... every way... you want.)

Is it just me or does she look to be a bit on the, uh, challenged side of things?

No; it doesn't reassure me. Why? Because, in 39 years, I've witnessed zero injuries or deaths involved with vegging on the couch. Antisocial behavior with a touch of laziness and a massive amount of procrastination have led to exactly zero - hey, can you check if I have any ice cream?

I've never been in a Ferrari. Did you miss the point where I said I'm a federal employee? :-P

And this is why flying fucking terrifies me! (And I work for the FAA. By accident.)

Speaking as a gay, but not for all gays, some like to giver the beej more than receive the beej.

Is that the chorus to his next shitty single?

Something tells me 9 out of 10 women in that audience could give him a beat down like none he's ever been in.

Everyone in assless chaps and cowboy hats.

There's a reason, an hour after posting, you have zero stars. Your comment is dumb and so are you.

Ok. I've changed my mind, I'm going to be Mike Huckabee for Halloween... If I can somehow get that flabby, grow them jowls and somehow drop my IQ into the double digits.

Why is hating them not good for you? whats really not good you - or society as a whole - is there existence of people with asinine opinions like Kim Davis holding public office.

Well, to be honest about Damon Wayans, he became totally unfuckable the day Damon Wayans JR came of age.

The “his sex worker” one didn't make it? REALLY?! This must be rigged!

I’m a contestant on that reboot of $100,000 Pyramid. With the other host. My celeb partner is former host, Dick Clark. Post-stroke Dick Clark. He’s giving me clues and I totally blank on each one as he grows visibly frustrated. “Uh, pass” I say over and over. The buzzer goes off and I don’t have dick to show for it.…

I'm totally trimming my beard so I can Jailed Kim Davis for Halloween this year.

Are there [insert team name] fans who don’t hate their team’s owner?