Stop sounding like an actual adult; you're making some of us look bad.

I thought I was going to see an actual erection, based on your liar headline. Disappointed!

Is that a real picture up top? Because it looks, to me, like a lumpy-headed Madam Twoshits wax museum recreation of a moment nobody wanted.

This is the only smart decision the mayor and chief of police have made since this situation started.

Mumbled by offscreen weatherman: “Yeah, well tell that to [insert name dead guy here].”

Someone needs to discover a haircut

Very true. The Coast Guard learned this lesson the hard way.

You are an awful person.

What would you put in a time capsule?

You can take my money, you can take my video games, but dammit, you're gonna have to shoot me to get mah weeeeeed

For territories and true commonwealths, the distinctions are relatively minor. Commonwealths are taxed and receive federal benefits (the citizens that is), such as social security and medicare.

Fish coil, activate!

Needs more man boobs... like my sad man bewbs

Sure, Tony McGunk

You have an incredibly open dialogue with your hubs. That’s impressive. As a homo gay married man, I can’t deal with knowing those kinds of intricacies of my hub’s pre-me sexy times.

I had money on this horse!

You know who’s mother made a mistake? Yep, Mary Fallin’s mother. She should have never gotten pregnant in the first place.

I miss drugs

Tony isn't a good Irish name. Tiny, maybe, but not Tony.

piss flaps. jeebus. lol