That is the most bestest Irish accent writing I’ve might’ve probably seen

Aaaaand the other?

My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

“When I’m at home alone, I like to feel my boobs” and, “When I have to fart in public, I walk over by where a man is and fart really close to him so people think he farted and so he can bear the shame”

Not coming back to reveal the answers should, if the world is a just place, get you the mothertrucking banhammer!

Girthy. lol

He should have done this on Good Friday.

Was the dog drinking Mountain Dew? Jeebus, that color!

Her dad?

The Scientology center in DC is very near a stretch of gay bars, near the gay-gay DuPont Circle. A recruiter would always ask “Would you like to see our introductory film?”

I hate that ball park. It's a concrete monstrosity.

Dammit; now I want a ham sandwich

Is that General Chang?

Why does it have to be Hal? Seriously, he's the bro-yist, annoying shitbag douche canoes of super heroes. The Ryan Reynolds movie failed because the character was Hal. I know it's supposed to be something of a redemption story, but you know what... It isn't. Hal never learns to not be an asshole. At least Guy Gartner…

Everyone should get free GAY CAKE

They should be on my new show: Governor Swap!

I want GAY CAKE.

I wanna stick it in him. Then pull it out. Then stick it in him. Then pull it out... then stick it in him...

Hey, did anyone tell you he’s dead?