Thank you everyone for doing research I really couldn’t be fucked with!

Hypothetical: Could a swimmer, in their prime, spot 70+ year olds a minute head start and still win?

At least people kinda expect that people who go to play basketball in DC are going to be petulant kids. The decaying jack-o-lantern in the White House does not yet know this doesn’t apply when you’re President.

I’ve stayed at a hotel when an innocuous link on Facebook linking to a collection of Tweets from gay people joking about stereotypes was blocked, but I could get all the Youporn I wanted. Didn’t return.

I always come to Deadspin for the dongs getting dinged.

I put a joke bet down for the Vikings to win the Super Bowl last season with my then girlfriend. She dumped my ass (for unrelated reasons) at 5-0. I’m not saying the two are linked....

Going to LA? If I had that in my system I’d be heading to Saturn

Holy fuck, I joke that I look old for 29. I’ll have to put that joke away now.

Go fuck yourself

Less than 60 seconds for even the biggest Bears fans to quit.

Idiot on the field fails to understand how to deal with a pissed off cat.

We still get regular reports on Marina Erakovic in New Zealand (who?, I hear the rest of the comments section say).

It’s not always perfect either.

Welcome to Deadspin. You may wish to read the user manual before commenting again.

I’ll call someone a cunt. That doesn’t mean I think they’re a vag. If I’m really pissed with someone, I’ll calculate what they will take offence at most. I shouldn’t use faggot, and I actually haven’t, but if it’s going to rattle a cage better than dickhead, guess which I’m going to throw.

Nobody would give a shit about the Ravens if they weren’t being indecisive. At least now we remember they exist.

Basically in the first paragraph he stopped in a whim because the store happened to be on his way past. Why should he have bothered calling ahead - he probably wouldn’t have bothered going in.

Put some socks on for fucks sake

Unless the first two words the catcher said were “oi cunt”, that was a dumb as fuck ejection.

Is the Guaranteed Rate way under .500?