Her column tries so hard.

He goes down on me while I grab his hair and stroke his eyelashes.

I think we're mostly talking shit about her for having a writing job and not being able to you know...write.

My hand found its way to his heart and stayed there all the way through second base.

You left out the part where she gets upset that the old crush didn't take her up on her offer to sit with her in coach class (because she doesn't understand how airline tickets work, evidently?) so she goes to the bathroom to give herself a plane facial and masturbate to his rejection. It's badly written, but she…

Oh sure, you say that now. Easy to say that, when there's no way for any of us to see or sample your handiwork. I suggest you invite me over for cake, so I can report back here.

So it's a book about Stockholm Syndrome. Ugh.

My reaction to Scott Eastwood:

All of this. All of it.

I'd forgotten how beautiful Cher looked in *Moonstruck*, especially once her character's mini-makeover was complete (in time for a night at the Metropolitan Opera with Nicolas Cage, as I recall). And yes, that performance was very deserving of the Best Actress Oscar that particular year.

hell yes Cher. YOU WON THE OSCAR FOR MOONSTRUCK!

Where the hell I am supposed to find a newspaper? I don't have a time machine to go back to 1999

Um, she got a nose job as well.

And her "poor person" apartment while she was RHofNY was actually quite expensive. A one-bedroom apartment of that size in Manhattan is in excess of $3k/month. Probably more like $4-5k. I make over 6-figures a year and I still can't afford an apartment like that.

I know. I thought you at least needed charisma to be on tv. Kris Jenner's show being cancelled had restored my faith in that, but there is still Bethenny. And now, Jenny McCarthy on the view.

The weirdest part is that Ellen is the one propping her up. I don't get it. If I was at a party and someone said, "Hey, do you think Ellen Degeneres likes Bethanny Frankel?", I would answer "No". It's like Bethanny has something on Ellen.....

Please explain to me why Bethenny Frankel has a career on television. This is one of the great mysteries of life, or at least of entertainment.

I am not at all embarrassed that when the kittens were brought out I threw my hands in the air and started screaming, "THE KITTENS!!!!!" in a high pitched voice.

So he can polish furniture and hide small scratches with his jizz? Use a napkin when setting food on his coffee table.

My freshwater pearl ovaries want nothing to do with a man who cannot distinguish "it's" from "its," regardless of his gilded spunk.