Yikes. First I've heard of someone doing that out of anything other than necessity. You stay away from those people from now on. They lack a moral compass and the ability to distinguish right from wrong.

They start flashing rapidly. Then the flames come…

I think this is totally the case. I feel like the league and the networks are under the impression that if they make the broadcasts (and the sport) bombastic and general enough, they'll be able to eventually turn every casual viewer into a fan WITHOUT LOSING A SINGLE DIE-HARD!

That's a pretty bold extrapolation. Some questions:

Upstate. Utica.

Is everyone familiar with that jump-a-peg game because of Cracker Barrel? Because it's been burned in my brain ever since having my dad explain the convoluted phrase to me while we were' road trippin' to Ohio.

Is there another team that's less essential to their league than the Jaguars? It's been 20 years and I still a) consider them an expansion team and b) only recently distinguish them from Carolina, due to Carolina's success.

That's true, and I don't think someone who supports Trump is necessarily deplorable for that, but I think Trump stands for enough bad things that HE'S deplorable, and it takes some real restraint not to apply the transitive property to those that support him. I fail more often than I succeed on that front.

Hey NSA guy! Stop doing the Secret Service guy's job. Go break a code, Windtalker!

This is not only my favorite column ever in my decade of reading the A.V. Club, but also my favorite sports column. Keep up the wonderful work, John Teti. You've got a great thing going here.

It's a small victory, which, when aggregated, will often lead to a loss!

Would you do one of these for the Cowboys? You could create a fake account so as not to dilute your "brand" as a Jets fan?

Nah. Car Seat Headrest doesn't do that anymore.

They played it in the Academy's theater and the sound system was AMAZING. From the tow truck taking out the armored car to the shootout to the (really, really loud) planes landing in the final scene. It was a very different experience than I'd ever had watching it on DVD.

Mother of God, that's disgusting. (We all have a story like that freshman year, you're just brave enough to admit it.)

Is the explosion "in popularity" or an actual detonation? I guess either way….ewww.

The kid from 'Home Improvement'?

I have a pair from 7th grade (1993) that aren't even close to worn out. It's pretty amazing how durable they are.

I'm sure (I hope, at least) that's not how they come to the number. I thought maybe it was just commensurate with the severity of the crime. Like, less than bin Laden, but more than a guy who writes bad checks. Or maybe they just have to be precise with how they budget their reward money fund. In any event, I really…

I was gonna, but I fell asleep, too. I'm pathetic.