That’s just an Instagram filter.

I definitely deserve to burn in hell for this one.

The sick fuck really did like to eat fresh.

This skit was legit brilliant and my fave of the night. “Our final Jeopardy category is...These Lives Matter. Sorry Doug, it was good while it lasted!”

One of my school pictures shows me in a head to toe plaid suit from Sears with giant earrings and a (home) perm. A friend’s mom asked her if I was the teacher. I was 12.

Are we cousins? My weird aunt slept with her eyes open and claims a UFO chased her.

Kids are the worst!

skittered. skittered. skittered. skittered. skittered.

This is the same kid that, years later, I found standing in the dark in our dining room staring right at me. She didn’t respond to any of my questions and I thought she was hurt or something because she had gotten out of bed. I kept saying her name, asking if she was ok and all of a sudden she looked right into my…

no no NO TAKE THAT KID TO A CATHOLIC CHURCH AND DROP HER OFF WITH A NOTE SAYING “PLEASE CLEANSE AND RETURN”

Oh fuck no, I get creeped out when I wake up to my four-year-old whispering to me because she wants to sleep in our bed, I’d be calling our priest for that one.

My daughter has never been afraid of the dark, so this shouldn’t have surprised us, but it used to happen a lot.

Kids really are terrifying. My mom used to tell my brother and me that she was terrified of him when he was a baby.

skittered

Just add this at the bottom as reason #478 that I am not having children.

WTF?! Skittered?? I would pass away.

“Skittered” really puts it over the top.

holy shit!!