Maybe they’ll meet us in the middle and just feed Jared Leto to sharks?  I mean - they could put it in the movie, since there’s comic book history involved, so - it’s a twofer?

JEEEEEEZUS. Just that screenshot of his video titles is enough to curdle milk. He stans Ben Shapiro? “Bushnell did nothing wrong”? He OPPOSES NET NEUTRALITY?!?! JFC.

Dumps like a truck

I’m glad I expanded the comments because I was heading down here to make a more snarky comment.

Old age, concussion issues - same deal!

Hey, Zdeno Chara is still out there playing hockey!  And he’s a couple months OLDER than you!  YOU CAN STILL START THAT PRO SPORTS CAREER!

I thought I saw it, but that turned out to be Slap Shot.

Plus, Rich People are tasty.  So tender, the meat just falls right off the bone.

claims of people seeing “blue beams of light causing fires.”

If someone had told 2001 me that in 2021, on his way out of office, President Donald Trump would issue a pardon to Lil’ Wayne. Shortly after, GameStop stock would be at the center of a huge stock trading issue (because their stock was TOO VALUABLE?!?) I would have laughed myself to death.

Sorry, everyone else, but this entry beats the rest into submission:

Who is... Mr. Fightin’ Potatohead?

CHRRRIIIIIIIST this asshole.

Her heart is as big as her feet are long
But she’s not afraid to fight someone who does me wrong
Big little baby, big little baby

Wait, let me down about fifty-seven more jin & tonics.  Jiraffes always creep me out, so I jotta jet jood and drunk.

“What are you going to do when you’re married and stressed? Tell your wife that you need to play Xbox?” This is a quote included in the story, from the mother, as the son explains that after their dog died on New Year’s Eve, he used games to take his mind off the sadness.

How’re ya now?

Oh god not you too.