He's actually standing in this picture. 

Too bad the rest of the footage from that game is an illegal snuff film

“I’m just naturally a monster.”

Doctors don’t prescribe cigarettes. Nobody is getting hooked on cigarettes because that carton of Marlboro Reds they were sent home with following surgery was just too good to stop using.

I think it’s more likely that someone DID think through these cameras.

Okay, so the videos are in Italian. As someone who took French in high school (which is very close to Italian), I can tell you that the umpire is not saying “I like to play sports with my brother” or “I would like to go to the store.”

I shall invent a device that alerts Dolphins fans when they are being erroneously charged for purchases. It will emit a Dolphin-call shriek if a skimmer is used to rack up a fraudulent charge. I will call it “the Miami Sound Machine.”

It’s not a club America until you add bacon to that chunk of meat.

*Minor note of contention: it’s Trubinsky.

Welcome to America in 2019, where Arians claim to be helping a Gay but really just want to set them further back.

It’s easy to see how this story got twisted. It’s like when my friends thought I said I banged that hot chick in high school, whereas what I really meant to say is that I angrily cry-masturbated to her yearbook picture on numerous occasions.  Simple miscommunication, really.

Not the Antonio Brown come back story I expected.

Having never been touched like that by a woman before, it was all he could do to prematurely eject her.

The Raiders Have No Idea What To Do With Antonio Brown

Wow, he’s really lucky, because, while they take drug offenses super-seriously in New Hampshire, they recently repealed the death penalty. Not only that, but hanging was still on the books in NH as one of the possible means of execution, until earlier this year! So, he won’t have to worry about mobs of people…

This is just like my dad and me, only instead of hitting home runs for large sums of money, I’m an emotionally distant borderline alcoholic who can’t communicate a lifetime full of disappointment with a disengaged, functionally absentee parent. So cool!

The last time someone dealt with the Knicks, Suns, and Hornets on successive days, it ended with three days of darkness and the death of their firstborn.

“Behind every great man in a fight, is his girlfriend squawking like a crow with laryngitis.”

Field tests are absolute birdshit* FTFY

<scrolls through a thousand generic Chris Davis doesn't hit what he swings at jokes>