One day you will all realise this has all been a totally-scripted conflict. Mark these words: once Donnie has the nomination/coronation all shored up, the two of them will sit down for an “exclusive must-see interview” on Fox, and everyone will tune in like it’s clash of the titans or something. And with all eyes on…

Boys like to look at sexy girls.

Honestly though, there should be some sort of cardboard coverage that you can stuff down your trousers to hide an unexpected erection, because in junior high that shit could come on at any moment and it was bloody mortifying.

As a boy, I’m shocked to learn that this wasn’t already a totally normal thing. I mean, we’ve all seen “Carrie” right, and that was made in 1979 or something.