I think I can beat any Bad Holiday Birthday Story (not like it's a competition, but):

I'd rather gouge out my own eyeballs than watch a RomCom (my BFF and I watch violent, dystopian SciFi on Movie Night - what we consider Chick Flicks) and even though this was hilarious, I feel dirty for getting even that close to that festering pile of crap.

I'm cheap, old, and a lot of fruit grows in my yard so I use Mason jars for their intended purpose: canning jams and jellies to amaze people with (because while I #fartdust to the average Jez, I'm not that old). This putting precious messes in jars is annoying and everytime I buy a case if jars at the hardware store,…

I was born a WolfBaby - black hair all over my face, with cow lick on my forehead. My father, a photographer, retouched all the photos so I looked more human. This was back in the 60s. #fartsdust

Errol Flynn originally titled his biography In Like Me, but that was deemed to be too risqué for the times.

Same ages as in the letter, only it lasted 9 years. When I got to be the age he was when he met me, I realized just how fucked up that was (in addition to the myriad other ways he was fucked up) and kicked him out. A year later I met some dude and he's still hanging around, 21 years later. He's 14 months older.

I'd call you by your name. Calling you (or anyone) a transmission just seems ... weird.

She's hilarious (and gorgeous). I want to be her friend!

You're kidding, right? I am the one everyone asks for help with their cars and computers. My lawn is designed to not need mowing ... I did the landscape design. Hooking up a TV or work a remote? Seriously? Who needs help with those things besides my 80-year old mother with cataracts?

Younger and unmarried ... I'd do SuperJew!

I do the majority of the cleaning because I retired years ago and he still works at an office, but if I need/want help, he does it and there is a set of things he does (like his own laundry - he is a grown damn man). I grew up with the World's Worst Housekeeper - think of most episodes of Hoarders that didn't include…

Yeah, I know. Still thought it was funny, especially since I'm technically a Jewish bastard on top of being an unusual ethnic mix of two things almost no one has heard of, so I get "you don't look Jewish" too - except from the occasional extreme Christian fundy/pervert, who wants to revile/convert/paw me. The "don't…

"Are you Irish?"

I'm one of your fans, and tons of people make this mistake. I'm glad my comment came across the way I hoped it would!

I'm a weirdo Shavian. I think I've read all his works, and to see Pygmalion reduced to a silly romcom - a well-done one with the excellent Rex Harrison - but one with its heart cut out and given a happy ending that is the complete opposite of what its author intended makes it unwatchable for me. They had to wait for…

I almost hate to do this, but: disinterested means neutral third party; uninterested means not interested.

I admire your self-control. I might have made her wear that food.

This looks a little like Chinese mock duck, which is delicious (and I'm an omni who generally loves veg/an food but not faux meat).

How about a little skunk?

Sorry about the typo: alt accounts.