The only reason I need to not to choose a dolphin for my midwife is that they’re not qualified.

Maybe a dolphin ophthalmologist can help with those stuck eyeballs.

6 month old babies walking! Even though the inner ear isn’t fully developed at that age so they have no equilibrium! The power of dolphins...

Gonna go out on a limb here and say that if ANY of that stuff happens as a result of your dolphin assisted birth, it wasn’t a dolphin, it was a wizard disguised as a dolphin.

heal a wide variety of conditions including Down’s syndrome,

“research sufficient for us”

Oh jesus h christ. All babies are ambidextrous. I’m gonna smack these people upside the head with a dolphin.

I didn’t even want to see that shit in the hospital. I believe they told me that was the placenta and I said, “Great, please get it the fuck out of here.”

Even if dolphins were truly the cuddly little booboo bears common imagination paints them as, why on earth would they have any special knowledge of human birth? What would they be doing to “help” except hang around and squeak at you?

Confession: I think my eyes are stuck from rolling them back in my head when she dropped the flower in the water. Also, I kept waiting for the dolphin to rip the baby out of her arms and throw it around. Because it’s a wild animal.

Excuse you, I’ll have Flipper attend the birth of my future spawn if I damn well please and I will name said spawn Specialus Snowflakus, the Dolphin-born.

Umm I’ll have you know that I gave birth in the beautiful Hudson River and my baby was blessed with not two, but THREE perfectly healthy feet.

I do not want to be diving and come across some lunatic’s placenta. Seriously.