America is the estranged and bitter teenager who just lectured Europe-Mom for being a drunk divorcee, slammed the car door, yelled “I’ll never be like you!”, reversed out of the driveway, and straight into a passing bus.

There’s a particularly crisp head of lettuce waiting for him at the end of that hallway.

“Looking forward to the D-Day invasion of Normandy tomorrow! #MAGA”

They wouldn’t like the real Jesus, he’s brown.

Rude people live everywhere. Mr. Portas and I chose to have only 1 child. People constantly asked when we were having another. After I said we weren’t planning anymore they had no problem telling me how bad for a child it was not to have siblings. That only children were spoiled, socially awkward, blah, blah, blah. I…

In its later years, the giant red douchebag tree changes color to a magnificent blazing orange.

Now that President Obama has moved on, it’s actually nice to see the new leader of the free world sitting in the Oval Office, and also Donald Trump.

And lo, did ballofstress endure much revelry at their own expense, until the blessed day did cometh that the Spicey one crossed their path. Ballofstress did reach into their fanny pack of coldness and withdrew the dots of dippin’. Long had they been carried, awaiting the day of the purpose, and thus it had finally…

He was making acid wash jeans.

Schumer’s defense relies on distinctions that the average slack-jawed yokel doesn’t give a shit about

On the left: What Paul Ryan thinks he looks like.

Maybe you should go to his office and explain it to him.

“Listen, Justin, or like I call him, Just - he just, you know - I thought I gave a really good shake and then this guy - must be, what, 150, 200, 350 pounds - he takes my gesture - a very kind gesture, a lot of people say that, not just me - he takes my gesture and makes it statement in front of the world! I mean, is…

Based on quick-draw Google searches, California has 3 million more people than Canada.

And you know that once you invite California, Washingon and Oregon are going to want to come. And then New York will look at you seductively, and before you know it, you’re spelling colour wrong and using Fahrenheit.

I just zoned out imagining Trudeau beating the shit out of Trump while yelling about feminism and refugee’s rights. I think I just achieved Nirvana.

I deeply want Eddie Izzard - in a great suit and makeup - to meet Trump and then pull “Hand Squeezy Death.”

(Forward to 1:30 if the link doesn’t take you there.)

As a currently pregnant person, I’d like to tell this man to fuck the fuck off with his host bullshit. I wanted this baby and pregnancy is miserable as FUCK. This isn’t hosting, this is being bled fucking dry by a goddamned alien (if you’re reading this in the future, little dude, just know that I mean every fucking…

Okay bye.

Well obviously they were going to confirm her. If they didn’t ruin public education how else were they going to supply the party with new voters?