Spent it all on Doritos.

There's a really nice lady with the last name of Parton who works where I do. Every now and then somebody screws up and calls her Dolly.

Nah! Tzara lot of others.

I'd go to that movie.

Prove it.

I getting syllabi ready for this year's freshman comp sections. I already have rules against spittin' chaw into Mountain Dew bottles and calling each other bad names. Do you think I should add "And if I see you playing with a fidget spinner, I'll wade into your first-year ass, mofo*?"

Canadian pronunciation of "colour": col-o-ur.

Posers talk. Heroes do.

The answer was, Yes, Jim! We do want to see your cock!

Tell the Juggalos he talked shit about them and then dox the motherfucker.

You'll find the OMG! tracts stuff in the New Yorker piece, too.

"Mac 'n' cheese": are you four years old??

Maurice died. His kids furled the flag.

Yep.

Goddam Tarheel.

Please. That was improvising on a classic. You know, like John Coltrane and "My Favorite Things."

I used to get a half-pint of vodka and a Sprite. I'd take a huge shot of vodka and then chase it with a swig of Sprite. Then I'd top off the Sprite can with the remaining vodka.

"Either"? There are more than two possibilities here:

Did he want to sleep with her before she turned 18?

Back in high school, a friend and I went to the local music store to buy kazoos. The salesperson asked what key. We stood and stared at each other for a minute, then the salesperson said, "Oh, for Christ's sake. Kazoos don't come in keys."