I made the horrible mistake of watching the whole thing. Commencement addresses are NOT interesting.

I had a $450 overdue bill at the library that I had to pay before got my degree. A year later, I was working at the university and once more checked out a lot of books that I didn't return in a timely manner. A library bill came to my campus mailbox. I read it and groaned. One of my former professors happened to be…

Kissinger. Didn't go.

That was excruciating.

What in the world is a "flag football set"?

Title IX

I reject that pronoun.

I had theirs's album but had not yet listened to it till yesterday, after all the copies had been recalled and launched into space. That felt transgressive!

Somebody—who?—mentioned somewhere—?—that last night's final song was "In My Time of Dying." Was that a note?

sad tombone fart sound

BJ: Why do we tell jokes, Hawk? Why do we keep cracking jokes like Bob Hope at a USO show?

If that was any time in the last twenty years, I hope somebody complained.

Cool retort! You decimated Khmer Stooge!!

a weird grudge against both the overweight and the bearded

Nobel Prize Committee? Over here! Over here!

I guess there were a lot of ogle cams for sale on Ebay after Chuck Berry died.

Trying too hard, Clayton!

Ummm…when is that?

"OGLE-CAM 04"??

He may have been fat but not so fat that he couldn't find, and whip out, and brandish, his flaccid member.