I live in Kentucky. At every party I have had since I moved here, somebody has brought moonshine (the real stuff, not the legal moonshine available nowadays in liquor stores). I knew about Apple Pie before Mags Bennett.

We used to have a lot of Natural Light boxes in the parking lots of my campus on Monday mornings. I told a class full of blobby football players (NAIA: not impressive physical specimens) that I was glad they drank Natural Light since it allowed them to maintain their godlike svelte profiles. They officially complained…

Did I infer that they do?!!

You know how dude used to mean "fancy man"? Now it means "You didn't get it." As in "Dude."

My undergrad school had a "fraternity for women." That made Dr. Dooley apoplectic.

Every now and then somebody posts something like "Oliver shreds Trump!" I come back with "He decimated him!"—as a play on media banalities. Every goddam time I have done that, somebody has come back with "You mean he reduces him by one tenth?" EVERY TIME!!!

But people who can;t figure out how to buy their own carrots swear by it!

There were no damn wings in this video. I waited an hour and a half for the fucking wings, and—no damn wings.

Does he rumple his own hats? Or is he wealthy enough to have his very own hat rumpler?

As a Dad, I need to tell you to fuck yourself.

Spider solitaire.

Tapeloop.

Why are several of your innocuous (I thought) comments "under review"?

Pale people wear baseball caps because of sunburn.

Yes, I know. That is how wide-ranging my lecture was. (Did she hear about how the MMT album was assembled? You bet!)

Here's your guy to smack him with a crowbar!

He had somebody who'd wash it for him. He was Guy Fieri's Ferrari guy.

I had a friend whose filler word(s) was "oh come on." He'd be like "I was watching TV last night while Carol was—oh come on oh come on oh come on oh come on oh come on—doing the crossword in Flatpicker Quarterly." It was amazing.

The bright kids at my college will be using this to conceal cut-n-paste plagiarism.

That's why I never go out without a condom stretched over my head.