Teams about to play the Ravens run a promotion that gets a fan into an actual NFL game. Then, when Flacco lines up at WR, the winner gets to line up against him.

“If he’s so white, why wasn’t he lined up as quarterback?” -Officer on the scene.

Username checks out.

Yeah, but that’s like 27 in dog feet.

I’m surprised they didn’t try to make a deal to acquire Algernon.

And in the stripedness bind them...

Me: [Gets haircut]
Kid: [Confused] “Daddy, you don’t have hair.”
Me: “And neither will you, you little shit.”

My curse is that I always fall in with the low tier characters in every fighting game. They’re always my favorite, and that very much includes Toon Link.

“Yeah, but it’s a dry humping” -Arizona Cardinals

As a Bears fan who has watched many a Bears/Packers matchup, that fan might have known exactly what he was doing and saved himself while he could

H...holy...holy shit...

If the access was unauthorized, the system has a way of shutting the whole thing down.  

only if we’re naked and covered in our respective sauces 

Those idiots are going to have a shit harvest next year if they don’t put the actual kid in the fire. 

Just because your mom told you she loves you doesn’t mean she does.

I have a beer by myself at a bar/brewery a few times a week.  I usually read a book.  Not sure if that is much different than staring at a phone, but it gives me a nice Hemingway-esque sense of false superiority.

Definitely not the pitcher’s duel I had hoped for...

*twirls snooty mustache*