New favorite phrase: “flat-out sharkshit” 

Try, just once, to walk out of the house without keys, cellphone, wallet, or watch. The feeling it evicts is what I’d imagine spacewalking is like...

Oh wow...my dumb brain conjured an image of a person mashing their face against the toilet seat top (as it covers the toilet seat) and rolling back and forth!

I can’t un-see Jeff Sessions and Creed Bratton in these photos.

I have a tendency to give crossfit pull-ups a ration of shit, because I’ve never seen a crossfitter do a (1) strict, dead-hang pull-up.

Only time I day drink: vacation + beach! A cigar is a bonus. Then beach naps?! Boy howdy, it doesn’t get better than that!

Switches. As many as possible.

Does the clock for questioning account for Southern drawl and meandering missives about unrelated dross?

You get a star for the “command hand” reference!

You shut your lying mouth! “A View to a Kill” is fantastic, and brings back memories of scantly-clad women in neon-pink makeup dancing under a blacklight, the way God intended! I listen to that song every time I need to get pumped!

“I have provided for myself completely since I was legal age to and have never felt like I needed a hand up from anyone...”

Albert,

Chris,

Or: http://lifehacker.com/how-to-turn-your-raspberry-pi-into-a-retro-game-console-498561192

Anyone else notice the CASE of empties in the passenger seat? Bud? I can’t even...

I loves me some instant karma.

I would normally roll my eyes at the lack of concentration of not knowing that your car is in neutral or reverse, but I’m more than guilty of leaving my car in gear and attempting to get out while in a hurry.

Am I the only one who is flabbergasted that this moron hit a car trying to Snapchat, and then decided to take a Snap on a stretcher, presumably on her way to the ambulance!?

I feel like this supports my theory that everyone who gets a driver’s license should also have to get a motorcycle license. 55 mph in a car seems like a mundane crawl; 55 mph on a motorcycle, especially an upright, un-fairinged model, feels like a google mph, especially with any crosswind.

“per capital alcohol consumption”