“As you rape your wife don’t look her at her face, trust me guys, that’s just awkward.”

Ughhhhh this man has raped his wife dozens of times. You know it. I’m barely kidding when I say that writing that should be a sufficient confession to get him sent to jail.

Whatever, I miss my flip phone.

A $1 cocktail is a bottle of Mad Dog and a glass of ice.

My manager finally comes over and informs me that she is removing the gratuity from the bill.

Reading this post, I would never have guessed that people would be flying to the comments to defend that fart. I clearly have much to learn about internet commenting.

Does anyone know how to become a contestant on Shark Tank?

Sunday morning fuzz brain: Kaley hashtagged the puppy IG #savethemall. I spent 5 minutes trying to figure out why the mall needs saving.

Of the two choices, Bernie and Hillary, IMHO, Bernie is not as electable (because this centrist country is not yet liberal enough to elect a democratic socialist). Hillary knows how to get elected and I think knows how to get things done. She passes the bar for me in terms of democratic principles and ideals (yes, I’m…

You’re entitled to your opinion...even when it is so incredibly wrong.

That and “Let me educate you.” Both those phrases basically push the MURDER EVERYONE button in my lizard brain.

I can’t remember his whole spiel, because my brain was filled with the enraged screams of my primal warrior ancestors and I was battling to keep a pleasant expression on my face.

Come sit out here on the lanai with me, sweetie. I just made a pitcher of margaritas, and Dynasty starts in 10 minutes.

It really is a wearyingly terrible programme. It’s like a parody of a parody of a parody of itself. A never-ending iteration of hackneyed awfulness, a fractal feedback loop of grim media bottom-feeding, as hideous up close as it is far away.

Even though we were a few drinks in, it was a jaw-dropping moment of conversation. I called him on it and made him feel realy awkward about it, which was incredibly satisfying. Then I talked to the person sitting on the other side of my stool.

They need women.

All the alums I have met from Wharton seem consistently awful.

The only Wharton grad from my class that seems to have done anything even remotely interesting was on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” at least twice.

I know a few really fucking stupid people who graduated from Wharton. I mean, they all have great-paying jobs doing something something wealth something money, but FFS, one of them cannot even make a goddamn grilled cheese sandwich without step-by-step instructions!