I had a guy who was an asshole to me in college become a junior colleague of my mom's in her politician gig (where she's a senior official). He tried to be all, "I remember how awesome your daughter was! We were besties!!" and my mom asked me about it. I got to watch her shut his shit down so fast, his head spun. It…

Can we just make it a rule that you can't use the word "nice" to describe yourself without a third party verification process?

"I'm actually a nice guy in real life" statement totally negated by the slimy winkie face afterward. What a jackass.

being a Nazi schoolgirl sounds a lot like belonging to a sorority at the University of Alabama

considering how UNcool Republicans are being these days

I don't know... a Bourbon-Nutella Mudslide might just be the Best Thing Ever.

My rider:

I swear I have a scarf that is almost exactly the same pattern as those pants.

This looks like a 90s Nicole Miller knock-off collection

There's something about waiting for the payoff that just makes it better.

Immediate Reaction To Bro:

I have to say, I like this version better

Irony, people, it's about the irony. You know, mouse-shaped things containing actual mouse?

Is the ketchup shaped like Mickey Mouse, though? I kinda like the irony of it in the case of mouse-shaped chicken nuggets that also contain mouse.

You know what's funny about these Mickey-shapped nuggets? There is a legally-allowed amount of rodent inclusion, so you could actually be eating some Mouse while eating them.

I think they may have meant "mocking," as in Malala's outspoken-ness mocked Islam somehow.

JOKES

I see your hospital and raise you one crop circle:

Oh Hells Yeah! Let's keep this rolling...

You can't see the Hello Kitty, she can't see the Hello Kitty, why would anyone want to be so subtle with their love of Hello Kitty? The way I see it, you have to go big or go home: