I'm sorry, but unlike most of America, this guys physical stats are perfect. They forgot the most important stat of all though. :(

A hot lady sandwich! *sees self out*

Jesus dude you're getting railroaded.

Oh great SirDouchebagMcRapeyPants is back. Now I forgot what I was going to say.

They're all bitter old retired people, pining for the Good Old Days that never really existed. They have nothing better to do.

Don't say Rosebud. <Fingers in ears.> Don't say Rosebud. <Fingers in ears.> Don't say Rosebud. <Fingers in ears.> Don't say Rosebud. <Fingers in ears.> Don't say Rosebud. <Fingers in ears.>

I laughed so hard at this that a booger shot out of my nose. (which is better than the usual "tea on my keyboard" response. At least a booger can be picked off your keyboard)

Don't these people have something better to do? Like...I dunno...live their lives, or something like that? Crochet? Scrapbook? Count ants? Anything?

If an archbishop cries in the wilderness, does he actually make a sound?

You know what's even funnier? The preacher in charge of it all actually lied to a number of people to get them there, told them they were just getting a free trip to DC to see the sights.

Sadly, Archbishop Cordileone, Pope Benedict's little gift to a godless San Francisco Bay Area, was a featured speaker.

Titusville... PENNSYLVANIA. I think you didn't put the state because apparently there is also a Titusville in AL and FL and you wanted your readers to assume.

I'm not sure what the opposite of a sore loser is, but Porsche nails it. It's just a shame they used the same voice-over guy as Spottswoode from Team America.

*proceeded to bust out their home tattooing kit *

This happened in a trailer? The hell you say!

I read shit like this and instantly think the participants were on something. Only explanation. Right?

She was spending the night with a friend, but it isn't clear who the friend was related to. Added that in.

betcha Grindr was blowing up in that area that day.