I don’t really blame the guy. It must’ve been tough growing up being made out of softball.

Every single candidate says “when I’m president” and never “if I’m president.” The reasons are obvious: they want to project self-confidence and determination.

I was in elementary school during the 1992 election, and for some reason my school held a mock election to see who everyone wanted to win. The majority of the kids in my school voted for George Bush because they thought they were voting for George Washington.

All the stars for you. They’re vajazzles

Because my people are fucking idiots who somehow think that they are better off after the fall of Yugoslavia and that somehow the war criminals who killed thousands of their former neighbors and friends are heroes.

Does being fired from your own website count as being defeated?

If they don’t have the same injuries how good could they be anyway?

I think you’re burying the lede here: How did a bus get into the swimming pool?

THIS IS NOT HELPING.

I hope somebody is nice enough to stop by and let me know why I shouldn’t be excited by this. Ideally this hypothetical person would take the time to point out why this win is not only meaningless, but would explain to me why American soccer will never catch on.

*SPIT TAKE*

I heard Roger Goodell dresses up like Sepp Blatter for Halloween.

He landed on his back.

Each of those guys is in a position to just write a check for that amount, without embarrassing and drawing attention to themselves.

Exhibit A+:

No but there might be a new genre of e-books on Amazon that needs to be tapped into: pregnancy gore food-porn porn? First book: “Baby Batter to Cake Batter”

Man, he’s gonna be pissed when someone reads this article to him.

But why won’t Deadspin call him a Muslim terrorist murderer ? If you don’t use the actual words Muslim terrorist murderer then you are implicitly condoning his actions and shielding all Islamic extremist terror worldwide!