Yeah, that's what a hacksaw and those big chest freezers are for.

“that substitute flavor for excellent logos in fancy fonts“

I'm pretty sure this story will change a few more times, each iteration more horrible than the previous. I miss 2015... the innocence, the human camaraderie, the joy.

Uh, my girlfriend did this and about 18 hours later a worm-like thing with razor-y teeth burst out of her torso and skittered away. I think the KitKat thing might be related

What if it hit him in the dick?

Actually, just burn it off as soon as possible.

No stains on his sole, for sure.

“If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

You're very sheltered.

Hmmm, every Iranian I've ever met was more or less normal height.

If this were one of the fans it would have been an actual Black and Decker drill.

A Bill's tailgate looks like a scene from The Road.

Perfect

Well, when they know words, they do.

Or the ink! (sorry)

“It looks like me, but... its smaller. Uhhh... Guys! Look at this!"

he has the power and gravitas to change public perception

How are you going to fit a whole clown up your ass?

“ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”

How much will the average chunk of Peyton Manning mass when he is sacked for the last time and just explodes/disintegrates?