Too bad the worthless fuck didn't die then.

It really looks like he was trying to teach the kid a lesson, or something.

This is the sort of wedding that that might be improved by a drone strike or two.

The gods look down and laugh.

In the original story, he forgot to mention how he was sporting an awesome fedora.

Everyone involved in this, from the real event, to the interview, should die of Ebola, together in a steel box dropped in the Mariara Trench.

You can get off first, though, if, uh, circumstances warrant it.

Is he looking for a therapy to make playing golf worth investing the smallest part of his waking existence? Good luck, buddy.

MLB should play one year, run simulations the next and franchise out subsimulations based on the main allowing all sorts of markets in betting and arbitrage.

I know a good cause: getting your mother herpes medication so she can go back to "work."

"Why is his head so flat? Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. Flat. It doesn't sound like a word anymore."

Rutgers has a football team?

Likely, no one will ever know what hideous things you do to your family members. You work in a nerd zoo. If you were famous, and represented very clearly the brand of your company, and you beat your X (where X = close family member), you would be fired. Given your current situation as King of Dork Mountain, no one in…

At the age of 12, I discovered the true use of a sock. Never turned back.

He seems to be a rather discerning shopper for one who's left material concerns behind.

You think A LOT about homosexuality.

Ok, I bite. The technology that would stop concussions like this would have be intracranial. It would have be a supporting web throughout and around the brain that stabilized its total volume relative to the skull. If you ever held a human brain, they are just on the solid side of Jello, so it can't just be something…

Dungy wouldn't take him on the team, because he's afraid he'd get so "distracted" that he'd go into a dissociative fugue and end up trying to taking him in his mouth. And then kill himself. Like his son.

Colby Lewis looks like a guy who smells his fingers often and doesn't chew his food enough.

Settle down, Columbine. I'm sure you can get your money refunded.