I’m just excited for Tiffany to attend Georgetown Law so she can find out what a monster her father is.

“Daddy! They kept talking about crazy things like due process and freedom of speech! It was so scary!!!”

POTUS: Happy #MothersDay to the mother of Ivanka & her brothers, and to the mother of the other girl, and the mother of the new one. If I forgot anyone I’ll tweet after next hole

Monster-in-Law is so bad. So bad.

Laura Linney not being able to bang that hot dude was one of the most disappointing film scenes I’ve ever watched. If she doesn’t get some action I will be devastated.

I guess they couldn’t run out on to the fields with the white hoods on for safety reasons?

Yeah. Totally.

My state appears to be the only B. That’s pretty cool.

Na Curt Schilling cancels all of that out

Nah man, Washington is the most liberal state in the union and we got a “B”.

Add to that: “She has three dorters at home.”

My Queens-born mother refers to the TV series as, “Lauren Order.”

I had a college roommate from central Jersey who referred to a dresser as a “chestah draws.” I smiled and pretended to ignore it, but it made me violently angry inside. I bet I’m still carrying the psychic damage to this day.

I beg your pardon Kara, but the correct pronunciation is “lawr”.

All the bottles are still white, tho.

I had a visceral response to this dress. I do not care for it at all, to put it very, very politely. I like the sleeves—that’s beautiful pleat-work—but other than that I... can’t imagine why. The silhouette is off somehow.

That dress is hideous, and will definitely be on a “wtf were people wearing in 2017?” list if she’s still famous then.

My first reaction is “KEEP IT IN YOUR FUCKING PANTS ASSHOLE AND SUPPORT YOUR SUFFERING WIFE, YOU SELFISH PRICK”

Order in which I hate these people:

There’s no need to try to hide, Peter. Cast aside that false nose!