My dad once told me that I was the ugliest person he’d ever seen and that he was ashamed to have me as a daughter.

I’m 14, watching TV on the couch. (backstory: I had struggled with terrible skin, self-loathing, and being semi-openly regarded as a “2 on the 1-10 scale” of attractiveness on my tiny school; so I was QUITE aware of my hideousness kthnx) I notice my mom had stopped her housework and had been contemplatively staring at…

Well, to start off with, my mother was a dancer all her life. Dancers don’t approve of fat. Me? I was molested at 10 and promptly put on 40 pounds as a defense mechanism. So there was my entire childhood. And the time my father took a trip and came back with a skirt for me and one for my sister, and I was almost twice…

I have always wondered how much of the low libido problem was just due to life sucking and not having a supportive partner.

Yeah, There’s no way this weirdo would be able to function in court, but even if he’s not a trial lawyer, he still (presumably) needs to interact with clients on some level. Can you imagine getting an email from somebody representing you on something important and you get an email that’s riddled with typos and…

The judge’s sentence: “Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah”

Bill Nye the skin cream guy.

No way. It was Shirley Eaton.

Cool. Mysterious. Maybe even a little dangerous? The only fashion accessory anyone should ever need.

I recommend a swoopy Carmen Sandiego-esque hat, but in black. But then again, you shouldn’t listen to me; my accessory suggestion is ALWAYS a swoopy Carmen Sandiego-esque hat.

I will not judge someone for how they heal what others broke. She's not hurting anyone. I wish her well.

Yeah, how dare people try to come to terms with past trauma through art? So annoying.

My father was 30 minutes late for his own funeral.

I give her a lot of credit. She was an “also ran” in the heady Brit/Xtina popstar days. Not much of an actress. But, apparently, not such a dummy. She took tuna and made tuna salad (chicken and chicken salad). Either way, she’s serving it on a bed of long green.

You're too good for Ben affleck. There, I said it.

If he'll cheat on you with the help, he'll cheat on you with other women as well.

“WELL MY MOM SAYS I’M CUTE, SO SCREW YOU, ASSHOLE.”

Seriously, I read that and all I can think is “how fucking self absorbed can you be?”

I think God had a plan for that.