Wrigley doesn’t have garlic fries (that I’m aware of), but I’ll chow down on their hot dogs until I vomit. Mmm, so freaking good. I’ve been to a lot of stadiums, and I think they definitely have the best. Now my mouth is watering. Why am I going on about this? <insert snarky comment that turns this around> Oh, my god…

It disappeared! What was it?

From the toilet seat, right?

It might have been the same guy who was signing autographs for all his invisible fans, which I loved immensely.

I feel like they should also be like those flip flops that have a bottle opener in them. Bottle opener and light up would make me buy multiple pairs.

They’re like kids’ shoes made large. Do the heels light up?

I know. I should stop being so narrow minded. Just because I don’t keep my lighter in my ass doesn’t mean others don’t. Every day is an opportunity to grow.

I’m just confused by Cookie Monster pulling that lighter out of his ass.

Out of the corner of my eye, I thought he was Eric Andre.

Yeah, my mom suggested I wear makeup to draw men’s eyes to my pretty face and away from my fat ass. But, you know, in a more subtle way.

Because if gay people can marry, it takes something away from heterosexual marriages. Apparently. But it would take a “ridiculous and absurd” understanding of marriage to think that’s true.

Not when it comes out that she got the degree by inviting a bunch of Arab children to see a play she was performing.

It’s a shirt that is reaching up to choke the life out of this model.

Maybe somewhere like Au Bon Pain, even.

But that’s how I get my best dates at the bar.

If you start looking for it, you’l be amazed at how many men in television and movies have cleft chins. It’s like a requirement for being an actor period. Now you won’t unsee it.

The same reasoning Sony wanted to hitch their wagon to Adam Sandler’s dim star.

A different planet where everyone has asbestosis and problems with their vaginal mesh.

Exactly what I was wondering. If anyone has a concern about who finds their sex toys when they’re dead, can you imagine someone encountering your sex robot?