How dare you bring Ivanka into this.

40% of Americans think he’s doing a great job.

And he didn’t get the 306 he keeps claiming. Officially, he came in at 304 after a couple of defections in the EC.

Does... he think all black people know one another?

Did you see how fast he blamed someone else when backed into a corner with facts? That was really satisfying to watch.

Well, I was given that information.
Yeah, sure. Fuckface.

I misread this and expected to hear someone yell “baby hands” during the press conference. I was disappointed.

Shout-out to Peter Alexander for calling out baby hands claim about winning the biggest electoral college since Reagan.

“there’s ever been a president elected who in this short period of time has done what we’ve done.”

Ronald Reagan, who would finish the list by saying. “Is your rectum better off now than it was 4 years ago?”

By default, Morgan Freeman

James Lipton

• Vincent Price

Gilbert Gottfried...especially “SMILEY HAND TOY FROM VENDING MACHINE, MOM NOTED A RUBBER HAND PROTRUDING FROM RECTUM”

It is a toss-up between Rip Taylor or Julie Andrews.

Don Pardo

Question for the author and audience alike: if you could pick one person, living or dead, to read these aloud, who would it be?

Champion.

WINE CORK WRAPPED IN PAPER TOWELS, ELECTRICAL TAPE & A CONDOM

I refuse to believe that you really ate the Russell Stover Santa. Nothing they produce would ever be described as "tasty."