I don’t remember black people being so shiny and vapid.

Hey dudes! Whatcha been up to?

Jesus always struck me as the crossfit type.

Yeah. People are fascinated by you, but not for the reasons you think.

“Madam, you are a lesser character...”

I am totally stealing this for everything.

Well, they say it's best to catch it early.

I'm having a ragestroke just thinking about your situation. If anyone ever said this to me, in the place that they also live, I would probably murder them. How have you not murdered him???

this is one I actually used. I was five years old, playing with my cousins at my Babcia's house. She was making dinner and was a terrible cook. When she called us in for dinner, I told her I couldn't eat because I was sick. She asked what was wrong, and I told her it was prostate cancer.

A gf of mine in college had an insufferable crush on one of our artsy clique, a guy from England, with the accent to match, who was also a popular local DJ. He successfully avoided her for a while, but one day she finally cornered him and asked him if he'd like to go out for a coffee. His excuse to get out of it -

I think it was sarcasm? Not positive but pretty sure.

life coach extraordinaire

Have you met a cat? Your mere existence qualifies as "starting shit."

Has anybody tried putting a mic on him and letting him go to the bathroom?

It's like when people were mad Rue was black in the first Hunger Games movie...despite the fact that she is described in the book as coming from a farm district that's predominantly black.

I would say that a lot of religious ladies are for free birth control because they are against abortions and understand causation.

I find this outfit hideous and yet it does nothing to diminish Rihanna's hotness.

I'm using this phrase as foreplay dirty talk now. "Open my door, handsome stranger. Be careful, it gets a bit stuck, the humidity lately just causes it to swell up in the jamb."